Rants: I Am Not a Bitch Because I Don't Want to F*** You.

     The other evening, I was on my way to an audition in Cambridge, and I decided to walk the two or so miles from my apartment to the audition spot (it turned out to be more like three. More cake for me, I say!).  After all, we're having a gloriously mild August, I might as well take advantage of it.  Since I was going to an audition, I was wearing a dress that showed off the hard work I had been putting into my workouts, made sure my makeup looked natural but polished, my hair was looking good...You know, the standard fare for wanting to look your best for an audition and preferring to look like your headshot, not like you went crazy with your personal Photoshop program.

     As I walked through Harvard Square, a man leaning against one of the storefronts called out "You look nice today" as I approached him.  I said "thank you" and kept walking, a tactic I've usually employed because you acknowledge the person without engaging and sending the wrong signals.

    "Hey, why don't you stop and talk to me?"  He asked as I passed by.

     I shook my head and said "Can't, sorry."  Still being polite, but still not showing interest.

    "Come on, sexy, come talk to me!"  At this point I stopped responding and just kept walking.

     And this is the point when the lovely gentleman called me a bitch.  I'm sorry, that's not accurate.  He yelled "Fucking bitch!" to my retreating figure.

    To which every nerve and cell in my body responded:

    Now, I could have stopped.  I could have yelled back, and, considering he looked like the only thing he had frequently lifted in the past five years was a joint, I more than likely could have clocked him.  It wouldn't have done me any good, though;  it's not like I would have been able to convince him I wasn't a bitch by screaming at him, you know?  But as I walked away I felt that familiar boiling of the blood that I feel when I come across what seems to be a deluded sense of entitlement in some men:  I have paid you a compliment, therefore you must do my sexual bidding or you are a she-devil.

  Can I be a bitch?  Oh my God, yes.  Yes I can.  But I'm not being one just because I don't want to have sex with you.  Let's be honest:  I'm not someone whose head is constantly turning and checking someone out.  Since 2012 started I have been attracted to four men.  FOUR.  I have interacted with WAY more than four men this year, and I've only wanted to make out with four of them. For the men who think that reacting to being "shut down" with a cuss-out is appropriate, this is my response:

     Me not being attracted to you does not make me a bitch.

    For those who choose to be a little more obtuse about this matter:

Me not being attracted to you does NOT make me a bitch.

     Now, let me stop this rant for a second and remind all of you that there is no tiara on my head.  I'm not calling myself Miss America, or even Miss Boston or Miss Davis Square.  I'm not saying that these men are beneath me.  What I'm saying is, I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to and if I happen to not be attracted to you, I'm not leading you on by being nice to you.  I'm also not someone who's especially affectionate, so it's not like I'm all over these guys who think I've somehow lead them on by smiling at them.  Nor am I a horrible person for not engaging with a stranger who yells out to me on a crowded street.  And frankly, the aggressiveness of some men out there in what I guess we can call the dating scene (apparently everywhere is the dating scene) freaks me the hell out.  I've been called a bitch and a tease by men at bars who said I was giving them a "flirtatious look" (truthfully, they were probably standing in front of a bottle of Glenmorangie that I was eye-sexing).  Never mind that I'm usually just at the bar to catch up with people in my life that I haven't seen in awhile. 

    Again, I think my main issue is that with some men, there seems to be a sense of entitlement, that just showing interest in a woman entitles them to having her, basically any way they want her.  Like their attempts to validate our existence through their sexual approval make us their property, just because they assigned us some worth in their eyes because they like the way our asses look.  The catch-22 of it is that most women walk away from these exchanges feeling WORSE about themselves, like we should be ashamed for not falling to our knees (or backs) and profusely thanking the men for acknowledging our existence, since we're clearly not all that.  Which is why you called out to us in the first place.

    Look.  I don't pretend to know anyone's issues or what makes them tick, but there is something stunted about a man who gets sexually aggressive with a stranger (and yes, cat-calling is a form of sexual aggression), then gets angry and throws insults when the stranger doesn't want to engage. The same goes for that guy friend we've all had who was apparently just being nice to us JUST to get us into the sack, and when we didn't want to hook up with them called us teases, bitches, etc.  And let me tell you, after that Jekyll and Hyde switch up we are all kicking ourselves that we didn't get together with you.  What fools we women be!

  So let me break this down:

   - If I'm attracted to you, you'll more than likely know.  It's not like I'll be all over you - not my style - but I tend to act differently towards men I'm attracted to.  As in, there are vibes sent out, whether on purpose or not.  You'll feel it.  Trust me. It's simple biological science, really.

It's not like we're talking about fucking magnets.

- Me being nice to you doesn't equal me being attracted to you.  I'm nice to everyone unless they give me reason not to be.  I'm a friggin' friendly person, dammit! And I smile.  A lot.  I find that it's a good look for me. Again,  I'm also not really one to be super-forward with my interest in a guy, so if you're taking me being nice to you as flirting then you're reaching.

- I didn't dress up for you.  Seriously?  I don't even know you!  Nor did I wear my outfit to garner as much male attention as possible.  Please.  Do I tend to look polished when I leave the house?  Yes.  Like smiling, I find that being in public looking put-together tends to work in my favor.  One time I actually had a guy say "well, if she wasn't interested in me then why was she so dressed up?" to one of my friends.  Sometimes, a girl just likes to dress up.  Move along.

- I don't have an overblown opinion of myself just because I am not interested in you.  If I was interested in every man I interacted with, I'd be in serious trouble...And exhausted.  Come on, you're not interested in every girl you see, either.  And if you are, you're probably just more adverse to being alone than actually attracted to 99% of us.

- Also, if you are reading this and you recognize yourself as one of these men, then a) points for your sudden bout of self-awareness and b) knock that behavior the hell off, dude.  You're not helping matters by turning your self-esteem issues into a gender war.  If you're frustrated because no girl is responding positively to what you've been doing when you try to engage with them, look at your behavior.  If you make a woman feel bad about herself, chances are she's either not going to stay or stay but be miserable.  Are either of those outcomes worth it?

   I'm aware that I'm more than likely preaching to the choir on this issue, since the people in my life tend to kick copious amounts of ass, but for the one aggressive, angry guy or recently shamed girl that just happened to come across this, I hope this has cleared a few things up.  If it hasn't, what the hell did I just get a hand cramp for?

  Thoughts?