Disclaimer: 90% of the time, I am actually very happy with my life and who I am, my relationships with friends, family, etc...But oh, it's that 10% that will getcha. So I've written this not because I'm a histrionic drama queen or a Bitter Betty, but because we've all had those conversations with our friends where we are completely convinced that we will be the first person to fall apart from everything we're going through. But we survive. And (sometimes much) later, we laugh about it. I wrote this for those times that not even your favorite ice cream or screaming into a pillow, or dancing around to "Jessie's Girl" in your underwear helps (don't judge, it works for me), and I just want you to know that it's true that no one gets exactly what you're going through, but believe me when I say we all understand. Here goes...
Whenever I'm talking to someone older than me and they say:
"Oh, to be in my twenties again!"
I want to reply:
"...The fuck are you talking about?
I'm stressed 25/7. There has actually been an extra hour added into the day so that I can stress more.
I get so stressed sometimes that I actually wish I was back in college or high school, but when I was really there all I could think about was getting out.
I know exactly what I want to do with my life and have no actual clue how to accomplish it.
I have done the most embarrassing things to make ends meet. I want to burn all pictures taken of me from a certain six-month period because I had to wear a stupid outfit and answer to people that didn't know what they were doing any more than I did, but they wrote my paychecks, so I had to smile and nod...Again, in a really stupid outfit.
I've been a server. Servers encounter tourists. Tourists make servers want to just give up on life because we're depending on the generosity and good graces of a rude man wearing a fanny pack.
I keep dating toolbag after toolbag and the only nice guys I meet either live nowhere near me, are too wrapped up in work, or are actually undercover toolbags that only reveal their true colors after I'm invested.
I move from apartment to apartment, borough to borough, city to city, state to state, and I don't even know what it is that I'm looking for but I keep thinking I'll find it in a place that's not right here.
I can drink legally now, but sometimes when I do I say or do something so stupid that the next morning all I can think is, "Who made this shit legal?"
I have this amazing phone that can connect me to all of my friends at all times for all sorts of deep typed conversations but I verbally flail around when I'm trying to say something important to someone in person.
I have cried in public. I have cried in public more than once.
I work my ass off and yet the numbers in my bank account always show up as red when I check my balance. I can't even afford to travel at the time in my life when I should be traveling, which makes me want to chuck a globe against the wall in spite.
I kill plants. I buy plants, and then I somehow manage to kill them. When people ask me when I'm going to have kids, I want to say "Well, I'm not really sure because it turns out that I have floricidal tendencies!"
I've had to move in with my parents temporarily at some point in my twenties, and I wasted what should be an amazing time in my relationship with my parents arguing with them because people in their twenties aren't supposed to live with their parents and the living situation was not ideal.
I know I've accomplished a lot, but when someone asks me what I've done with my life so far I feel like I don't have anything to say.
I feel guilty when I eat chips now. What the hell is that? Now I have this knowledge of what's healthy and what's not and it sometimes ruins my enjoyment of a delicious bag of kettle chips.
I'm constantly living in fear of being 29 because I know that after that is 30 and that means that I just spent ten years of my life being thoroughly confused about everything, and that just makes me want to hide my head in the sand for the next decade because at least if my head was there for ten years I'd have some form of stability!
...But yeah, my boobs are still perky, so that's pretty awesome."
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